If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
