So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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