We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
They have beer where we have blood.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
