I want to have your abortion
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
