Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
