Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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