They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
