oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
