even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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