i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
