I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
