Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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