I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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