This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
