is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
