tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
