my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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