At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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