Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize