I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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