Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
