I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
So how did finding that girl you know on GGW go?
I was so pissed when it just previews her all covered up. It would have been easier to just have sex with her
Yeah but then you would have a case of genitals gone wild
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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