you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
