Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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