did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize