I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
