It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
