Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize