i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
