You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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