He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
