I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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