I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I didn't notice because vodka
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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