Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
