for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
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