woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
