He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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