dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
