I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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