A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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