Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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