I bet he comes in French.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
