at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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