I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i think i have herpe
just one?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
