We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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