walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
