We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize