Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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