she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Randomize
