your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
