I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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