she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
