So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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