Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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