i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
