And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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