Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Randomize