In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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