I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
