we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize